Monday, October 9

Blast from the past...

I had an awful dream, it was all my old friends from school, ones who have, in the past, turned a blind eye to my obvious bullying at the hands of two other friends and then not invited me to their weddings. I'm not actually sure why I call them 'friends' at all, but from the age of 11-15 they were all I had, so it seemed to make more sense to hang around with a bunch of people that wrecked any shred of self-confidence I had than to sit on my own every lunchtime. Don't worry, I got wise to them once I hit 16 and kept them at arm's length. Natasha and Sarah G were 100 times more genuine anyway.

So, the dream. I was at a graduation ball. During the course of the dream I:
- was accused of stealing a handbag
- was accused of stealing a bike
- was the subject of mean chinese whispers around the room
- was befriended, and then shunned by the aforementioned friends
- was reduced to tears by friends
- was left in a heap outside the ball venue sobbing quietly in the rain

That pretty-much sums up my high school experience, actually. I have no happy memories of school whatsoever, and just remember suffering extreme paranoia and self-doubt caused by two friends in particular pulling my strings like a marionette. I never did anything to warrant it, I was too frightened to be myself. It was only when I got clever and discovered books that I realised I'd be able to escape them one day, and started pulling away. But what worries me is that, when depressed, I still have dreams like this that obviously mean I am still suffering at the hands of these fucking morons. And what's worse is, I don't think any of them have any idea what they actually did to me. I was on antidepressants at 15 because I couldn't handle going to school without having panic attacks, and they never knew. My mother actually banned a few from her house, but I never told them, because that'd have made my life hell.

I can't really believe that, as a grown woman, I am still having flashbacks to a past that I thought I'd got over years ago. It's troubling me. Perhaps I should have a showdown with them all.

Nah, can't be arsed. Instead I'll give a shout out to all my laydees: Elin, Anna, Tash, Kaff, Layla - you five girls have renewed my faith in friends. Seriously. I thank my lucky stars for you lot.

1 comment:

Layla said...

That sounds just like my experience of school. And it's normal to think about it when you're down, I had a year of therapy to try not to!!
Come and see me soon, I miss you!

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