Thursday, August 30

Out of work, out of money and OUT OF THERE!!

I left work today. My 'official' leaving date is tomorrow but my boss hasn't been around to give me anything to do, I've had my exit interview and I've been paid my final wage. So I handed in my staff card and my keys and got the HELL out of there. I could not leave fast enough.

So now I am unemployed for the next 7 days until I enrol at university next week and officially become a student again. I have a few tasks to complete before then, which are:

- finish pre-course assignment
- read Macbeth
- read some 'pre 20th Century poetry'
- purchase shower rail, shower curtain and gaffer tape
- sort out shower with above items

Obviously these tasks will all be completed between watching Jeremy Kyle, Dawsons's Creek repeats on Channel 5 and 6th Sense with Colin Fry - who I hate but am strangely compelled to watch.

Friday, August 24

As you do...

My mother just had £200 worth of botox around her eyes because she was 'bored at work'. I have taken a 'before' photo and will take an 'after' photo in 2 weeks when the botox has reached it's peak.

She didn't have to pay for it or anything, her boss is offering it to clients and asked mum to be his guinea pig!

Swinging on my plastic chair and mouthing off at Mr Coote

Too many people from my old high school are populating Facebook. Time was, aeons ago (2005), that only the PC literate, or studenty types had such things as Myspace/Facebook accounts. Geeks, in other words, and that was fine by me, because those are the sorts of people that I like to be friends with, they are unassuming and generally nonjudgemental.

But recently Facebook has become a minefield of old acquaintances, some welcome, some VERY unwelcome. It almost makes you feel like you are back at school again, 'Ooh, why hasn't *insert generic schoolmate name here* added me as a friend, but has added *insert another generic schoolmate name*? WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LIKE MEEEEE?!'

I was not a particularly popular member of my class, I managed to combine mouthiness with uncoolness, which meant that not only was I hated for being a twat, I was also embarrassing to be seen with. And Facebook has me sat right back there on the left-hand-side of Miss Scoles's English classroom, being jealous of the other girls because they had Exclamation body spray in their Nike boot bags, or a perfect jagged parting.

So where have they all come from, these former gymslip mothers and playground bullies? It's because Facebook is everywhere at the moment, probably because the One Show talks about it a lot, or because they read about it in Love It! magazine.

Let the popularity contest continue...

Wednesday, August 8

I don't wanna gooooo!

I have to meet with my line manager tomorrow to tie up a few loose ends before I go away on holiday, and ultimately leave work forever. I'm absolutely dreading it. My line manager dislikes me intensely and has either insulted me or totally ignored me since I started in January, she's had me in tears in her office on more than one occasion. She hadn't been at work for a fortnight and wasn't there when I gave in my notice, so I gave it in to Personnel and emailed her to tell her that I'd resigned. This is not ideal but it was the only option available to me. Since sending the aforementioned email I have received no correspondance at all, not even to requests for a meeting.

So I'm going to take one of my holiday valiums in a minute and try and get a good night's sleep, so that I am able to face talking to her in the morning.

I've never had a boss that made me so nervous I felt physically sick before. It's really unpleasant. I hope I never have to deal with anybody like this ever again.

Monday, August 6

Mirror mirror on the wall...

I can't get to sleep tonight, my hands are shaky and my brain has gone all zippy and fizzy. I was ecstatic about 2 hours ago and now I'm still buzzing but the energy is negative. James rang and all I did was make him feel bad for having a good time, then when I got off the phone I was in tears, which wasn't a state I wanted to be in, because I don't want him to worry about me while he's away.

I keep thinking about how much money I owe and wondering if I'll ever be able to pay it all back. I am trying to visualise myself in 2 years time; will I be teaching? Will I still be in London? Will I still be with James? (I do hope so) I'm greedy for answers to all of these questions to provide me with some sort of incentive to keep going. I can't wait to start my teaching course and get stuck in, but I'm really worried about getting ill again and losing everything I have worked so hard for. It is so difficult to work sometimes, when all I really want to do is lie down in bed and stare at the wall. I was interested to read on Mind's website that 1 in 4 people who experience mental distress have debt problems compared to 1 in 11 of the general population, it can be hard to hold down a job or cope with your finances when you have a condition like bipolar disorder. You either overcomplicate matters in your mind and become anxious to the point of physical sickness, or you go the other way and push it all to the back at your mind because you feel incapable of dealing with it. I have to write all the important information in notebooks because I can't guarantee that I won't get depressed or euphoric and forget what's going on. I have literally spent hundreds of pounds in the past because I was so hyper that I thought my bank would just grant me money. Put it this way, if Jack's mum had sent me to market with a cow I'd definitely have come back with some magic beans.

Daily life is difficult for everyone, but even more so if you spend every waking minute fighting down this demon inside you. I can keep myself stable but it requires a lot of careful attention to my mood and environment, and this can prevent me from experiencing new things. A lot of people wonder why I freeze up when I'm unexpectedly asked to stay out for another drink, or whether I would like to go out when I had a night at home planned. It's not because I'm antisocial, I am just trying to work out if I'm actually capable of doing it. I always worry that this is mistaken for being antisocial or rude. I tend to panic if I'm thrown into situations that I'm not prepared for.

Anyway, I have a mountain of books to read for September, including a copy of the English National Curriculum that is only about 40 pages long and cost me £16. So I might as well try to read one of these babies...

Urgh, shudder

There was a proper scary racist on the bus today. (W7, if you ever want to avoid it). This heavily tattoed oik with a shaved head and a Lidl bag comes swaggering in my general direction, points into the face of the wizened little old black guy with a shopping trolley sat next to me, then yells "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COUNTRY YOU SMELLY CUNT". Then he just got off the bus with his wife.

Everyone else on the bus was really shocked and concerned. It took quite a while for it to sink in. The poor old dude was just coming back from Tesco with his battenburg!

I can't believe some people out there still think that this country belongs to them. It makes me feel sick.

Wednesday, August 1


... that HSBC are refunding me £1300?!

Well they are. Huzzah.

Do Google searches and that...