I can't get to sleep tonight, my hands are shaky and my brain has gone all zippy and fizzy. I was ecstatic about 2 hours ago and now I'm still buzzing but the energy is negative. James rang and all I did was make him feel bad for having a good time, then when I got off the phone I was in tears, which wasn't a state I wanted to be in, because I don't want him to worry about me while he's away.
I keep thinking about how much money I owe and wondering if I'll ever be able to pay it all back. I am trying to visualise myself in 2 years time; will I be teaching? Will I still be in London? Will I still be with James? (I do hope so) I'm greedy for answers to all of these questions to provide me with some sort of incentive to keep going. I can't wait to start my teaching course and get stuck in, but I'm really worried about getting ill again and losing everything I have worked so hard for. It is so difficult to work sometimes, when all I really want to do is lie down in bed and stare at the wall. I was interested to read on Mind's website that 1 in 4 people who experience mental distress have debt problems compared to 1 in 11 of the general population, it can be hard to hold down a job or cope with your finances when you have a condition like bipolar disorder. You either overcomplicate matters in your mind and become anxious to the point of physical sickness, or you go the other way and push it all to the back at your mind because you feel incapable of dealing with it. I have to write all the important information in notebooks because I can't guarantee that I won't get depressed or euphoric and forget what's going on. I have literally spent hundreds of pounds in the past because I was so hyper that I thought my bank would just grant me money. Put it this way, if Jack's mum had sent me to market with a cow I'd definitely have come back with some magic beans.
Daily life is difficult for everyone, but even more so if you spend every waking minute fighting down this demon inside you. I can keep myself stable but it requires a lot of careful attention to my mood and environment, and this can prevent me from experiencing new things. A lot of people wonder why I freeze up when I'm unexpectedly asked to stay out for another drink, or whether I would like to go out when I had a night at home planned. It's not because I'm antisocial, I am just trying to work out if I'm actually capable of doing it. I always worry that this is mistaken for being antisocial or rude. I tend to panic if I'm thrown into situations that I'm not prepared for.
Anyway, I have a mountain of books to read for September, including a copy of the English National Curriculum that is only about 40 pages long and cost me £16. So I might as well try to read one of these babies...