Friday, December 31

2010 Roundup

A bit of a shit year really, with a few shimmers of joy. I suddenly feel very old and grown up. Today I spent over a hundred pounds in John Lewis - entirely on household items.

It is one of my resolutions to blog slightly more frequently. So here is my grisly annual roundup. Seems like a bummer ending it on a depressing note. So let's start with The Bad:

The Bad:

My boss is still insane. My school still teaches creationism. My commute is still an hour each way. This must be rectified, and soon.

Family woe
My relationship with my father is ten times more complicated than it was a year ago. This is partly due to  'The Awful' (see below) but mostly due to the fact that he's been dating a Shameless version of Tracey Stubbs since about 3 weeks after Mum died. My brother is, essentially, an overgrown puppy with a sex addiction.

I'm still a bit mental. Sometimes. Oh well.

The Awful: 

Mum died. 
At times I wanted to join her. At times it feels like she only died yesterday. Grief festers in your brain like a canker and dulls the sheen on the most uplifting and exciting days. 

The Good:

Getting out of debt
I am £4800 less in debt than I was this time last year. At some point in 2011 I will owe HSBC £0 for the first time in over ten years. Money will enter my account on payday and be MINE, ALL MINE and with it I will buy glitter and moonbeams and puppies, and probably more jay cloths (why this constant need to buy more jay cloths?).

Mr G
He's been absolutely wonderful this year. Best boyfriend, ever. And very clever too. If I had the money I'd buy him a yacht and a big car and a solid gold watch. But he hates all those things and I'm too poor, so I'll just keep bringing him tea in bed.

New friends
Thanks to Twitter and despite crushing social retardation I have three lovely new lady friends to quiz and titter with. We quite often win. Hi Jesus!

Big sis
Unchanged and reliable in times of hideous overhaul, I am beginning to appreciate my sister in a Hallmark-cards-kinda-way. 

Wednesday, December 8

Powdered milk

It's just over a year since I found out mum was sick, and as you'd expect, I am not doing very well. I'm haunted by frequent and vivid flashbacks in which I am mixing milk powder into full fat milk for my mum. It was all she could manage in the last week of her life. I can see myself measuring it out, feeling utterly pathetic and hopeless at the good it will do her. Then I can see her hands shaking as she tries to drink it and the floodgates open. This crying is like nothing I've experienced before. It hurts, and it makes me breathless. I bellow into cushions or the empty flat and worry that I am going insane.

It's going to be a tough Christmas.

Do Google searches and that...