Thursday, January 21

Liar liar, bums on...'

I've been a bit sneaky recently. I've been telling people I'm coping okay when, in fact, I'm not. I'm a bit ashamed of how crap I am, to be honest. I'm still very much in the 'mourning' stage and can't seem to snap out of it. I sit down to drink a cup of tea, then look at the clock and realise three hours have passed and I haven't moved.

I have to go to the doctors tomorrow and am dreading it. I can either lie, and say ''yeah, I'm coping fine'', or I can tell the truth and say ''I keep seeing my dying mum's face in my head and it makes me retch. I am not sleeping properly. I forget to eat and wash my face''. She will look at me like I'm mental, and possibly sign me off for another week.

It seems that everyone is saying to me, 'come on, time to get back to normal now' and I just... can't. Not just like that. I am trying, but I can't just flick a switch, go back to work and be completely okay again. For one thing my guts are a mess, and another is the fact that my sleep is ALL over the place, and another is that I can't stop thinking about mum in her final days. No matter how hard I try to be 'normal' she just pops into my head and I feel like I've been punched, and then I start getting all panicky. It's so hard to explain this to people who haven't been through a similar situation, it's not like it's a year later and I'm still brooding over it, Mum only died just over a fortnight ago. That's NOT very long ago! I can manage getting dressed and having conversations, but that's about it. I haven't even been out of Crouch End really, except to go to a friend's house for dinner.

So watch this space to see if I lie tomorrow...

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