Friday, August 20

Adam and Jane

I HATE BT's Adam and Jane, they are the budget Gold Blend couple. The adverts have been going on and on for years now, with little sign of stopping. I have no affection for either character; I hate Adam and I hate Jane. She's got really pinched-looking as the saga has rolled on, and he's completely sold out and now wears a suit and shirts with cufflinks all the time.

The latest advert has them both sat in stunned silence before the great 'reveal' that Jane is pregnant. And apparently this is because WE, the great British public, wanted this to happen. I never made it to the forum on to have my say, and I never got to cast my vote, but if I HAD then I definitely would have gone for 'not pregnant' because now if he dumps her and goes off with his unruly mates (1:54) he's going to look like a heartless bastard. And if she dumps him everyone's going to say 'Oooh, you cow, you're the mother of his kid!' etc etc. So they'll probably just stay together and have occasional tiffs, like usual. Yawn.

Below are a series of suggestions for the next advert which I would have made on the forum, if I had the chance, and one 'red herring' which is boring and most probably what will happen:
  • Jane goes for ultrasound, discovers 'baby' is, in fact, giant teratoma containing mainly hair and teeth. Goes home and gives birth to it on the kitchen table. Adam watches on his BT broadband via webcam.
  • Jane raids Adam's hard drive, finds video he was watching with mates on stag night, projectile vomits and drops dead.
  • Adam kills Jane. Wears her face as a mask to fool the kids on webcam chat. Feigns trip to theme park and drives minibus with kids into Thames. 
  • Adam wakes up and discovers he has the face of Keanu Reeves, he turns to Laurence Fishburne who says 'That's what happens when you take the blue tablet'.
  • Robert Lindsay and Zoe Wanamaker turn up to pick up Adam, he is their oldest son and this whole thing has been one of his 'pranks'. They tell him off and he starts wanking.
  • Jane goes into labour, Adam finds out about it via his BT phoneline, gets to hospital just in time, uses his BT phone to ring his parents and tell them, and his BT broadband to email them pictures.
Feel free to add more suggestions below.

P.S. I made the jam. It set and everything.


Lostandfound said...

Adam is actually a ghost. Jane sings of this to the children via webcam.

Dino Girl said...

Adam brings home middle-aged hooker home after a night out, has accidentally left his webcam on. Meanwhile Jane has gathered the kids on the sofa with popcorn for a good old chat with step-pa. She hits the 'green' button.

Lostandfound said...

Adam pisses steam and Jane uses the broadband account to contact a string of doctors, none of which can diagnose the problem. Adam prays and prays and prays.

Dino Girl said...

Adam grows a moustache and everyone starts teasing him about it. He gets really angry and starts shouting 'don't look at me, don't look at me', and bites one of the children hard on the face.

Dino Girl said...

Jane is pregnant, but she keeps noticing Adam mooning about in the bedroom holding a knitting needle. She doesn't know what it's about, but one night she sees that Adam has been knitting her a lovely jumper, and on the front is a picture of her having a miscarriage.

Liz said...

Adam rings Jane on his mobile while he's driving. He gets arrested and jailed for 3 years. Jane arranges a visit using her BT landline and when they meet she confesses that the child is not his, but that of someone she met online (using BT broadband obv.) while he was away working in . Adam uses the BT broadband in prison to launch a full scale facebook hate campaign about.

Do Google searches and that...