Monday, February 6

Mediocre Mediums

A Groupon offer caught my eye this week: 30 min psychic reading for £10 (instead of usual £45). Now, please don't think that I believe in clairvoyancy, tarot, angels, fairies etc, I was just really curious as to how these people made their money. My grandmother has spent many years chucking money at what I believe to be charlatans and I wanted to have a little slice of it for myself.

On finding out that I could spread my 30 mins across various readings I decided to conduct a little experiment (kinda, sorta an experiment...). I chose four mediums and told them the following information:

  • My D.O.B.
  • My mum died.
  • I have a boyfriend.

The rest I left up to them. This is what they came up with...

The First Psychic: Male. A little Richard Madeley-esque in that he was condescending. ('This is your first psychic reading, isn't it?' ) Attempted to contact the spirit world to make a 'connection' for me. Failed. Apologised. Hung up. FAIL.

The Second Psychic: Middle-aged, cheerful, voice like me nan's. Told me that mum was reluctant to come forward, that she was 'hiding' and that she'd 'dragged her out' because she was hiding behind her maternal figure (Who? My nan? Who is very much alive? FAIL.) Saw a 'big contract' for my 'funny boyfriend' coming up in the near future and a curly-haired baby girl. 'But what about conception?' I ask.Then proceeded to lecture me about healthy eating 'You've got to get enough fruits and vegetables' for about five minutes, while I gnawed on a Kit Kat.

The Third Psychic: Made of much sterner stuff. Saw a tall nurse with white hair around me. FAIL. Kept asking me for a number between one and ten. Chose 7 - 'The World', packing boxes in my future, apparently. Then chose 5 - 'The Magician', I'm going to be 'decisive' and 'charismatic' this year. I took decisive action and terminated the call.

The Fourth Psychic: Brief. Advised me to go to my local spiritualist church because my mum was 'all around me, always' and that 'When people pass to the spirit world they don't remember the pain of their passing'. I ask how she can be so sure of this. 'Well, you can't remember being born, can you?' Then told me my mum had 'mid-length sandy hair' - FAIL. 

Not one of these people came close. Not one of them told me anything I didn't know already, or couldn't get from a horoscope or self-help book. 

Conclusion: I was right all along. I wasted £10. I FAIL.

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