Sunday, July 11

Lost one, losing the other...

Mum and Dad were a unit. Dad was the one who called me every day, but Mum was the one who always said 'goodbye' at the end. Since Mum died Dad calls me rarely, and when he does it feels like I am talking to an android. I know why he's so scared of talking to me, because most of his 'news' revolves around the lovely adventures he's having with the woman that he so conveniently slotted into my mother's place about two months after she died. Over thirty years of marriage, and a loss, dealt with in two months, it must be some kind of miracle. He's still very angry and guilty around us kids, so he clearly hasn't dealt with his loss yet, and I worry that because he's not dealt with it yet he'll jump feet-first into a situation that is difficult for him to extract himself from.

I have told Dad that I love him, but I can't deal with this new relationship so soon after Mum's death (her grave doesn't even have a headstone yet). He went on holiday with her last week, and I received a five minute phone call on my birthday and a BACS payment of £70. I felt like sending it back. I still might. I told him 'okay, have fun' but no, I don't want to hear about it, because I'm not over my mum yet, and it feels completely alien, but because he's like a teenager in the throes of first love, he's not listening to anything that anybody else says, using juvenile defiance along the lines of 'It's not fair, huff...'. I can't feel how he wants me to feel. I love him, and he knows it, but I feel hollow with loss, and I can't deal with any more.

One day I'll be in a place to accept what he's doing but it is just too raw now. So I've gone from two amazing parents to half a parent; it hurts like hell but what can I do about it?

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