*Girly rant alert*

I believe it was the famous poet and philosopher Paul Draper (sic!) who once said

"Being a girl, being a girl
I want to experience being a girl
I want to experience being a girl
I want to experience being a girl"

Well, I'd like to get hold of Mr Draper by the scruff of his skinny little indie neck and tell him a thing or two about what it's really like to be a girl. Whilst wearing nice skirts, makeup and being able to buy pretty shoes is wonderful, there are one or two things that ruin the feminine experience. Take today, for example. I spent most of it munching on a family-sized Galaxy Hazelnut, fully aware that it's going to make me fat, yet unable to stop because if I do I'll be grumpy, tired and my stomach will contract and bloat. And, as if this hormone-induced gorging wasn't enough, halfway through the drive home from work I was suddenly overcome with what felt like a tidal wave of sadness, and started crying. I knew I wasn't sad about anything in particular, yet I couldn't stop.

That Nicky Wire is no better, look at him whinging

"And I wish I had been born a girl instead of what I am
Yes I wish I had been born a girl and not this mess of a man
And not this mess of a man
And not this mess of a man"

No, Nicky, I really don't think you would. Not unless you actually want to lie in bed with a hot water bottle covering your womb, mewling in agony and running out to the loo to empty your bladder every 25 minutes. And if you do then, quite frankly, you are even more of an idiot than I thought you were. Because, gentlemen, this is oestrogen at work, and it's something I think Mssrs Wire and Draper overlooked in their quest to achieve gender satisfaction. Yes, they can put on eyeliner and mascara and swing their snakelike hips, they can even wear blouses and feather boas, but until they've made a complete tits out of themselves, suddenly turning into sullen or hyperactive morons, because their female sex hormones are out of control, then they are in no position whatsoever to yearn for femininity. I think they are confusing tranvesticism with actually becoming women in the physical sense, becoming a woman might stop them feeling all weird because they like wearing skirts, but it won't make their lives any easier. In fact, it'll make their lives a lot more difficult, because they'll have to do everything they did as men, but with added eyebrow plucking, leg shaving, bikini line waxing, tampax buying, child bearing, breast sagging, anti-aging cream applying and, eventually, support stocking wearing.

They really should have thought this all through before they wrote those silly songs, you know.